Bandau savęs neįsistatyti į griežtas vėžes, nes šią vasarą, po pirmųjų doktorantūros studijų metų vos nenučiuožė stogas. Mokslas - tai irgi kūryba, ir nors man disciplina ir reikalinga, tačiau man per sunku save sprausti į griežtus rėmus ir prievartauti skaitant knygą (nes taip nusimačiau dienos darbo plane), nors tuo metu man geriau rašytųsi. Nors atrodė, kad per šešerius studijų metus supratau, kaip aš mokausi, pasirodo - nė velnio... Tad vis dar mokausi mokytis.
Dar vienas tikslas - išmokti sakyti ne, net jei man tai ir labai įdomu. Didžiąją šių metų dalį buvau apsikrovusi visokiais darbais ir darbeliais, buvo taaaip nesmagu, kai dirbdavau deadline'ams šnopuojant į nugarą... Dabar noriu turėti laiko sau, kai galiu daryti tai, ką tikrai noriu. Nors treniruotės, ansamblio repeticijos ir japonų kalbos kursai irgi yra man, bet jie nėra "mano laikas man" - tai laikas tobulėjimui, judėjimui, kitiems žmonėms. O kartais taip norisi pabūti vienai, arba patysoti ant lovos su knyga. Ir jeigu jums atrodo, kad pailsėsiu baigusi studijas, tuomet tikrai klystate - mokslininkui darbas niekada nesibaigia. O neurozės anksčiau laiko aš tikrai nenoriu.
Tai va tokios mano dienos. Viską bandau daryti palengva. Šiandien jau atlikau tai, ką buvau numačiusi su savo studijomis. Vakare - treniruotė. O visą šitą likusį pusdienį pasilieku grynai improvizacijai. Skamba labai neastiškai, bet man tai labai patinka!..
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Each morning starts with this same view through the window - fog, rain and yellow leaves. It's autumn again, and everything is almost this same. Almost.
I'm trying to make my daily routine more liberal, because after the first year of my phd studies when I was just a hair's breadth from getting mad from all the stress I understood that I need a break from myself. Writing my thesis is also a process of creativity and though the discipline ir necessary, I have to be careful of not pushing myself into the corner too much. I thought that six years of studies were enough to understand how I prefer to work, but obviously, it's not.
Also I'm learning how to say no. I always got buried under piles of small tasks that looked interesting to me, but I hadn't enough time to do everything properly and ended up working a day before deadlines... Now I want the time for myself. And though doing exercise, participating in rehearsals of my ensemble or Japanese language courses might seem as "my time", it's not. It's time for my body, for my intelectual growth, for meeting with my friends. But it's nor for myself. Sometimes I want to be alone, or just read a book. And if you imagine that I can have this time after I defend my thesis, than you are sadly mistaken - a scolar doesn't have free time. And I don't want neurosis to hit me earlier (that's going to happen, eventualy).
So that's how I try to live now. To do everything more slowly, more easily. To stress less about the things that (usually) I can't change. Today I'm done with my thesis and in the evening I'll go to do some exercise with guys from My Hero. What I'll do before that - is pure improvisation. It doesn't sound like me at all, but I like it!..
To see more of my daily struggle and snippets of joy - fallow me on Instagram!
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